During the recent school holidays Spider Boy decided he wanted to bake (or me to bake) Spiderman “cookies” from a box his eagle-eyes spotted in the supermarket.
I knew they wouldn’t be great. But didn’t imagine they would be as bad as they were. There were several variables that could’ve contributed to the “cookies” objectionable texture, but none of it matters, because really, it’s all about the decorating fun.
When good cookies go bad…
1. Best to check the “best before” date while you’re still in the shop. This particular box’s best before date was a month away, but it was probably packaged at least a year ago.
2. The red fondant icing on YOUR “cookie” won’t be as vibrant as the red fondant icing pictured on the box. See exhibit A below.
3. Children shouldn’t be eating red fondant icing anyway.
4. Despite putting flour on your board as the instructions suggest, the dough (when you’ve added the 2 teaspoons of water and teaspoon of butter) will be very sticky. When you’re picking it up to roll it out on the board (with your playdough rolling pin – all we had), you will lose a third of the mixture on your hands. And on your assistant’s hands.
5. The “cookies”, when you check them at the 12 minute suggested cooking time, will be a bit springy to touch. And a touch pale. When you give them another 3 minutes to achieve that golden hue, they will be rock hard.
6. When you bite into said “cookies”, you will need to use your incisors otherwise we’re venturing into chipped tooth territory.
7. when you attempt to decorate with the supplied “chocolate flavoured” writing icing, it will be near impossible to get steady, thin web lines. The “chocolate flavoured” writing icing will mysteriously get stuck in the tube. You will squeeze and squeeze and… nothing. When you snip the tip off the tube, the “chocolate” writing icing will shoot out much thicker than is appropriate for web.
8. Spider Boy will say “It’s another disaster!” at some stage of the proceedings.
9. When your “cookie” is finally ready to bite into, you will notice three things; How hard the “cookie” is, how clay-like the fondant is, and how the “chocolate flavoured” icing tastes like lemon-infused tar.
10. Making “cookies” from a packet mix is not a baking project. It is a craft project. And we don’t eat craft. Not even playdough.
11. Just don’t buy Spiderman packet “cookie” mix. Maybe not ANY packet cookie mix.